


Where's the Soul in Soldier On?

by KevinLikesCarrots (SpiderButler)



Series: Written In The Scars On Our Hearts [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Zayn is still in the band, trigger warning self harm, trigger warning suicidal thoughts, zianourry friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 08:23:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13027077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiderButler/pseuds/KevinLikesCarrots
Summary: The boy's are angry at Liam. They decide to ignore him for a while, to 'teach him a lesson'. However, they go a little too far, and don't realise how far it's gone until it's almost too late.





	Where's the Soul in Soldier On?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a few years ago on Wattpad, but I thought I might as well post it here too.
> 
> I know some of it is a tad unrealistic, but I hope you enjoy it anyway and comment letting me know what you think x

Liam lies in his bunk, thinking. If he’s being honest, he doesn’t exactly _know_ what he’s done. He thinks it might have been a lot of things. He knows that he’d ditched the boys quite a lot recently, to hang out with Nick, or their band, or Ed, but that’s not unusual. All the boys do it. They see each other so regularly that it’s only natural they would want some space. After all, they’re on tour together. And ok, there had been that time a couple of weeks ago, when Louis had thought he was cheating, but there was nothing he could do to prove himself innocent, and Louis knew the truth now.

But what really seems to have gotten under the boys’ skin, was the fact that he had bailed on their impromptu party last night, in favour of going to see his family. It was also the evening of his and Louis’ anniversary, but they’d spent the day together, even managed to go out for lunch by themselves, because they’d both accepted that they wouldn’t be able to have a romantic evening. He’d thought Louis wouldn’t mind. After all, they were only in the UK for a couple of days. But apparently this was not ok, because the moment he’d gotten back on the bus, they’d opened fire on him, shouting and swearing.

_“You ditched us again.” Niall’s voice is accusing, as if going to see your family was a capital offense. “And after one of our biggest shows!”_

_“You’re always out Liam,” Zayn says, crossing his arms. “It’s like you don’t even want to see us.” Liam feels his irritation growing. Zayn’s pretending to be the reasonable one, his voice level, but Liam knows he’s just as angry as the others. His frown deepens._

_“That’s ridiculous, and you know it! Of course I want to see you guys, but come on, we see each other every day! Can I not want to go and see my family, who, by the way, I rarely ever see?”_

“ _We all miss our families Liam.” Harry sounds almost condescending, like Liam’s a child. “But we care about this band too.”_

_“Is that it Liam, do you not care about us anymore?” Louis raises an eyebrow, and Liam feels pure anger surge through him. Louis is his boyfriend. Clearly he wasn’t going to defend him, but he didn’t have to join the attack. And accusing Liam, of all people, of not caring about the band anymore. Liam, the one who’s always having to drive out to bars to pick them up when they’d drunk a little too much. Liam, who’s always looking after them when they’re sick. Liam, who earned himself the bloody nickname ‘Daddy Direction’, for Christ’s sake._

_“You know what? You can all fuck off. Of course I care about the band, I’m always doing shit for you, and this is what I get in return? I can’t believe you guys are being dicks about this! I’m going to bed.” With that, Liam pushes through the boys, not caring as he roughly bumps shoulders and arms on his way._

Now though, he regrets his words. Although he still believes they were over reacting, he can understand how they feel. Liam _had_ been spending time with a lot of other people recently, and he knows how much the band means to all of them, him included. So, ok, he probably would have been upset if the roles were reversed. 

He lies in his bunk for a while, thinking everything through. He can hear the other boys getting up, quiet conversations Liam strains to hear, but as far as he can tell they’re all generic ‘good morning, how are you’ conversations. Usually one of them would have checked if he was awake, Liam thinks. But it’s not uncommon for them to forget. They had probably just gone to watch TV in the back of the bus. They spend most of their mornings doing that, or playing Xbox, or something similar. Liam pushes himself up off the bed, careful not to bang his head on the bunk above. He pulls the curtains open, and drops the small distance to the ground, looking at the other bunks. As expected, the boys’ curtains are all open, showing their empty beds. He digs through his bag, searching for clean clothes, and heads to the small bathroom to clean up and get dressed. Maybe waste some time before having to face the boys. None of them had tried to talk to him after the fight, and he’s not quite sure where that leaves him. 

*

Fifteen minutes later, he’s pushing the door to the back of the bus open. Zayn and Harry are sat on beanbags, Xbox controllers in hand, their eyes fixed to the screen. Niall’s sprawled out on one of the sofas, on his phone, a bag of crisps sitting next to him. Louis sits cross-legged on the other couch, watching the screen. Liam tentatively sits next to him, waiting for a reaction. No one moves, and Louis keeps his eyes trained on the screen. Liam sighs quietly, leaning back into the sofa. It’s Louis’ thing; he doesn’t do long rambling apologies, dislikes having to talk things out. Instead, he’ll just quietly seek a little affection from the other person, showing them that ‘it’s ok, we’re ok’. Liam had learned this very quickly, and since then, whenever he and Louis fought, he would sit himself down next to his boyfriend, and eventually Louis would curl himself around him. Liam also knew pushing Louis usually made it worse. So he sits in silence, his eyes flicking between the TV screen and the twitter app on his phone. The heavy silence is only broken by the sounds of the game, and Zayn and Harry’s occasional noises of complaint. No one wants to be the first to speak.

*

An hour later, the bus stops. Paul comes in to tell them they’ve hit a pit stop, and everyone’s heading outside . There’s a moment of silence after he leaves, and none of them move, as if no one knows what to do. Then Louis pushes himself up from the sofa and walks out, and the other three boys quickly follow him. Liam sighs, and lets his head fall backwards, his eyes closed. The boys are clearly still mad at him for last night, and have no intention of talking to him just yet. Liam takes a deep breath, holding it for a moment before forcing it out, and making his way down to the front of the bus. 

They’ve stopped in the parking lot of an almost empty gas station, only a few other cars littered around. Everyone is standing around by the parked busses, chatting. Liam notices Zayn and Louis over by the building, heads bent together. They talk quietly as smoke rises from the cigarette between Zayn’s fingers. Niall and Harry are inside, buying food, and Liam sees Josh and Calum talking to them, through the window. Luke and Michael are coming off their own bus, and Liam quickly walks over to them.

“Hey.” He smiles when Luke notices him.

“Alright Liam?” Luke grins.

 “Yeah, not bad,” Liam lies, keeping his smile on his face. Michael raises an eyebrow skeptically. 

“We heard you guys fighting last night. Is everything ok?”

Liam sighs, letting his smile drop, “Yeah, yeah, we’re fine. The boys are just a bit pissed at the moment. It’ll blow over in a bit though.” He shrugs. A bit pissed off is an understatement; they hardly ever fight, and never this badly. 

Luke squeezes his shoulder, smiling sympathetically. “Of course it will. You guys are brothers.”

Michael is frowning, looking over Liam’s shoulder, and he follows Michael’s eyes to Zayn and Louis, who have now been joined by Harry and Niall. They’re all looking in his direction, their faces hard. He makes eye contact with Louis, and freezes. It’s like they’re the only two people in the parking lot. Luke squeezes his shoulder again, and Liam quickly turns away, looking back to the two boys next to him. “We’ll be fine. Right?”

“Of course.” Michael nods, though he sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself.

“You want to come watch Iron Man with us?” Luke asks suddenly. “Ash brought it on tour with him.” Liam knows Luke’s trying to distract him, and he accepts the opportunity gratefully.

“Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.”

Just then, Ashton literally jumps out of the 5SOS bus, tripping and almost falling on his face. He stumbles over to them, grinning widely. “Hey guys, what are we talking about?”

 “I hear you brought Iron Man on tour with you.” Liam laughs.

“Yeah, and a bunch of other super hero movies. Purely for research though.” Ashton states, matter-of-factly 

“Research?” Liam raises an eyebrow, grinning.

“Ashton has this crazy theory that if he watches enough super hero movies, he can learn how to become a one.” Luke explains, a mixture of amusement and exasperation in his eyes.

 “He’s missed the fact that he doesn’t have any powers.” Michael says, his expression mirroring his band mate’s. 

“Black Widow, Iron man, Batman, Hawkeye, Nick Fury, Catwoman.” Ashton crosses his arms. “None of them have powers.”

“Batman is a genius inventor, and millionaire, Iron Man has a suit that is basically another human being and protects him from almost anything, and all the others are masters in combat and martial arts.” Calum says, walking towards them.

“Your point?” Ashton remains unfazed. Calum just shakes his head at him, a small smile playing round his lips. The curly haired boy turns back towards Liam. “ _You’ll_ help train me won’t you Liam?”

“What?” Liam frowns, confused 

“To become a superhero.” Ashton looks at him expectantly. “None of the others will.”

Liam looks between the three mouthing ‘no’ at him, and the hopeful looking drummer, and laughs. “Sure, why not.”

“Thank you!” Ashton jumps on him, wrapping himself around Liam like some boy shaped vine. Liam instinctively winds his arms around him, to prevent him falling.

“You’re going to regret this.” Calum shakes his head, laughing. Ashton just wraps himself tighter around Liam, refusing to stand on his own two feet.

“Don’t listen to them. I’m the master of superheroes.” Liam tells Ashton, whose pressed his face against Liam’s shoulder, feeling the boy laugh. Suddenly there’s a sharp pain in his shoulder. “What the hell!” He drops Ashton back onto the floor. The boy lands on his feet smoothly, like he expected the drop. “Did you just _bite_ me?”

“I was just testing my powers.” Ashton shrugs.

“Ok, rule number one. No ‘testing your powers’ on your trainer.” Liam points at Ashton. He rubs at his sore shoulder.

 “Yes master.” Ashton says seriously, bowing to him, his hands pressed together in front of him. The boys around him burst into loud laughter, and Ashton winks at him. Liam smiles thankfully. It’s good to laugh.

 

* * *

 

Louis watches as Luke squeezes Liam’s shoulder, his bandmates around him following his gaze. Michael, Liam and Luke are smiling, and Liam seems more relaxed than he had been in the bus.

“He doesn’t even care that we’re ignoring him.” Louis says bitterly. It sounds a little like a sulking child, but the words are still packed with venom. Suddenly, the three boys all turn to look in their direction. Liam makes eye contact immediately, and for a moment Louis’ not sure what to do, frozen in place. Liam answers that by dropping his eyes, and turning back to the boys around him. Louis can see his tense position from across the lot, his shoulders hunched and his hands shoved into his pockets. Liam’s natural stress position.  

Something Luke says makes Liam relax a little, and Louis frowns deeper. Just then, Ashton jumps out of the 5SOS bus, and joins the little group. He laughs at something, and the mood of the group seems to lighten. Calum joins them, and Louis can see that Liam is genuinely smiling now. He grits his teeth. Something Liam says makes Ashton jump on him, clinging to Liam, who immediately wraps his arms around the other boy. Louis feels a twist of jealousy in his stomach, as Liam holds the boy. Ashton _is_ almost the same age as him, and he knows from a drunken game of truth or dare that Liam thinks he’s ‘not that bad looking’. Louis shakes his head quickly, forcing the thoughts away. Liam isn’t cheating on him. He’s _trusts_ Liam. A small part of him feels guilty for doubting Liam, but he forces it down. 

“You alright?” Harry asks, nudging his friend. Louis nods, tearing his eyes away as Ashton bites Liam’s shoulder, and Liam drops him, laughing.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He begins walking back towards the bus, the boys following him a moment later. He’s not in the mood to explain himself.

He’s not really surprised when Liam doesn’t get back on their bus. He probably would have hopped on a different bus himself if he was in Liam’s shoes, but it still manages to make him irritated and on edge that Liam doesn’t want to be on their bus, even if they would just have ignored him. Somewhere Louis’ a little hurt that Liam isn’t trying to fix this. He knows it’s because Liam knows him well enough that it wouldn’t works, but still. _Something_ would be nice.

Louis wallows in his thoughts the rest of the way to the arena, only giving one word answers to the boys questions, or ignoring them altogether. Once they arrive, Louis is the first off the bus, keeping a look out for Liam. The boy in question steps off the 5SOS bus a moment later, immediately twisting around to continue talking to Michael and Ashton, who have followed him off the bus. He walks right past Louis, not even glancing his way, and Louis feels anger swirl up inside him. Liam is not allowed to be fine with this. He is not supposed to act like this is normal. He’s supposed to be upset. Louis sweeps aside the part of him that feels hurt by Liam, letting his anger take over. He glares at Liam’s retreating back. 

Niall, Harry and Zayn quickly join him, confusion on their faces. Louis just shakes his head and plasters on a smile, not wanting to admit that he might not have the upper hand in this situation. A small amount of guilt pushes it’s way into Louis’ mind at that thought. He _knows_ he has the upper hand when it comes to Liam. His boyfriend has always had this nobility, especially towards Louis. 

He knows Liam would do anything for him, and he’s always been scared that he doesn’t deserve Liam because of it. The boys head into the arena, an excited girl showing them the way to the dressing room. Liam, Paul and 5SOS are already there, sitting on the sofas in the middle of the room. Liam catches Louis’ eye, and he feels himself become frozen again, solely focused on the dark eyes in front of him. The girl clears her throat, and Liam’s eyes snap to her.

Only then does Louis realise he’d forgotten to breath.

The girl is explaining something in her overly cheerful voice, and Louis forces himself to listen. “So I’ll give you a tour of the arena, and then we’ll need you on stage for soundcheck, and then you can start getting ready for the show.” Louis thinks she might be bouncing up and down slightly, and leans over to whisper “I wonder if she has an off switch,” into Zayn’s ear. Zayn snorts, and they both look around to see if anyone heard. No one seems to have noticed, but Louis feels eyes on him, and looks to his left to see Liam watching him from a couple of feet away, an unreadable expression on his face. He ducks his head immediately, and Louis thinks he probably thought he was being subtle. Liam’s not really very good at subtle. The group set off on their mini tour, and Liam sticks to the front with Paul and the boys of 5SOS, and Louis stays at the back with the rest of their band. He keeps his eyes on the back of his boyfriend’s head, watching as he switches between asking Paul questions and chatting with the boys. Louis’ eyes narrow as he sees the girl, whose name, he has been told, is Ashley, batting her eyelashes at _his_ boyfriend 

“Sorry,” he says to Niall, who was in the middle of saying something, and slips through the small group until he is almost behind Liam. 

“…never had a band as big as you here.” He hears Ashley say. _Bitch._

“I’m sure we’re not the biggest band you’ve had here. I’ve heard of loads of legends playing here.” Liam replies, and of course, his answer is humble and, well, honest.

“But you’re legends as well. Your voice is incredible.” Louis thinks he might gag.

Liam clears his throat awkwardly. “Um, er, thanks.”

Louis’ tied between being pissed off at this bitch flirting with his man, and cooing at Liam’s embarrassment. Management, their close friends and family, and their immediate crew know they’re together, but other than that, it’s been kept under wraps that either of them is even gay. Watching Liam try to deal with this girl’s affections was a mixture of hilarious, and surprisingly endearing. Another twist of guilt hits Louis’ gut, thinking about his boyfriend, but he pushes it away again, and slows down, until he’s with the other members of his band again.

After their little tour around the arena, Ashley brings them to the stage, and Paul makes his way to the front row, along with Lou and a few other members of their team. The boys go through soundcheck quickly, the atmosphere tense as they run through a song, and Liam and Louis stand as far away from each other as possible. Well, Louis stands as far away from Liam as possible. Liam doesn’t chase him though.

They go to their dressing room whilst 5SOS do their soundcheck, and Louis, Niall, Harry and Zayn sit together on the sofas, joking and laughing. Liam stands in a corner, almost as if he’s trying to hide, and messes around on his phone. None of the boys acknowledge him, and Louis forces himself not to look at the boy. His shoulders are hunched up, and his back turned to them. Louis’ almost forgotten that he’s there when Luke pops his head in the door.

 “Liam?” 

Liam’s head snaps up so fast it could have hurt. “Yeah?” His voice is croaky from lack of use.

“Could you come to our dressing room for a moment?”

“Um, sure.” Louis pretends not to notice the relief in Liam’s voice.

*

The hour passes before the boys have to start getting ready, and Liam hasn’t come back. In fact, he only comes back when Louis knows 5SOS have been called to go to the stage. As Liam starts changing, the beginning chords of She Looks So Perfect can be heard. He chats away happily to Lou, and it’s almost like normal. When the boys are called to the stage, Liam is at the back of their group. They stand in the wings, as 5SOS are still only half way through their last song. Each of the boys awkwardly flick their eyes between the faces of their band mates, unsure whether their preshow rituals are appropriate. Does singing count as talking to a person? But then Luke is saying their name, and they’re running on stage. It’s a little different to their usual entrance, but the boys bounce around as if they’re on top of the world.

They get through most of the set fine. Liam says stupid things to make the crowd laugh, but doesn’t interact with the boys in any way, as if he’s unsure if he can. The boys don’t technically talk to him either. Louis knows the fans are starting to notice, so he jumps on Liam’s back while Harry and Niall are attempting to waltz around the stage, and shouts, “Dance with me Liam!” He feels his boyfriend stiffen, but he turns around and wraps his arm around Louis waist, takes his hand. He has a huge grin on his face, but his eyes are confused, and a little hopeful. Louis forces himself to drop his eyes, focusing on his nose. Zayn comes to his rescue, tapping him on the shoulder a few moments later, and saying “Hey, don’t I get a dance?”

Louis smoothly spins himself out of Liam’s arms and into Zayn’s. Liam plays it off, running down the runway in the middle of the stage, yelling “You’ll dance with me, won’t you?” to the crowd. The crowd screams in reply, and Louis listens to Liam arranging a Mexican wave.

“We’re lucky he’s good with the crowd.” Zayn mutters, and Louis doesn’t ask him what he means. He thinks he knows.

It gets to the part of the night when 5SOS join them, and when they run on with stage with a pile of whipped cream ‘pies’, screaming “ambush!” the boys easily grab some of the pies, and the fight begins. It starts out, as always, as band vs band, but eventually it ends up as a free-for-all, the boys throwing whipped cream in the face of the nearest person. Louis sees Liam throw a pie at Niall, and Harry throw one at Liam, and relaxes. The crowd shouldn’t be able to tell anything is different. The 5SOS boys do a song with them, and if Liam stays more with them than with his own band, it’s not that weird.

When the show is over, the boys all head off stage. Liam seems like he’s about to say something and Louis decides to save him some embarrassment. He quickly walks away, a signal that they’re still not talking.

 

* * *

 

Liam sighs as his band mates walk away from him without a word _. Of course_. They wouldn’t want the fans to think anything was wrong. He follows them after a moment, silently changing back into his own clothes, and walks out to the bus by himself. He gets straight into his bunk, swearing when he sees his phone is dying. He’s not getting back out. The boys have just got on the bus, and he can hear them laughing loudly in the back of the bus.

Liam curls in on himself tightly as the bus drives along. He squeezes his eyes shut, and wraps his arms tightly around himself. If he’s lucky he’ll sleep all the way through to tomorrow night. They have a day of pure travelling and Liam doesn’t want to be stuck in a confined space with people who won’t talk to him. 

After a few hours, Liam hears the boys climb into their bunks. He stays quiet, and listens as the whispering dies down, and the bus slowly fills up with deep breaths and quiet snores. When he’s positive they’re all asleep, Liam pushes his curtains back. Checking each of the boy’s are closed, he quietly drops down from his bunk. He freezes for a moment when he lands with a small thud. The bus remains quiet though, and he sighs in relief. Liam heads to the back of the bus, making sure to be a silent as possible. Once he gets to the door, he looks around, checking no one can see him, before pushing it open. He settles into the corner of the couch, watching the endless stretch of road out the window. He lets his mind wonder as he sits, curled tightly in the small blanket. Somewhere around 5am he falls asleep, his body succumbing to pure exhaustion.

* 

When Liam wakes, his legs are stiff, and his neck hurts, and he’s curled himself up even tighter in his blanket. He looks out the window, narrowing his eyes at the light, guessing it to be about 7 or 8 am. His head begins to pound, and he feels like he’s going to throw up. Liam grits his teeth, forcing himself to take deep breaths through his nose. The last thing he needs is to be sick today. The bus is quiet, and Liam guesses that the boys are probably all still asleep, making the most of their lie-in. Eventually, his stomach settles, and his head stops pounding, leaving his mind to feel foggy, and he gives up trying to focus. He’s suddenly struck with a sense of loneliness. He’s never been alone when he’s been sick. He had his mum before the Xfactor, and after he had the boys. Now he has neither. At this thought, Liam pulls the blanket tighter around himself, until it’s uncomfortable, constricting. His legs still ache, but his eyes are starting to droop again, and he closes them, resting his head against the window.

Liam doesn’t fully sleep. He passes in and out of vague dreams, unsure when he’s awake and when he’s not. It’s when he hears the door creak that he opens his eyes, just enough to see who it is. Louis is standing at the door, his eyes on Liam’s curled up figure. He lets his eyes slip shut again, but he can feel Louis’ gaze on his face. Liam knows how bad he looks. His hair is ruffled, his stubble growing out from yesterday morning. His eyes have dark circles under them from only getting two or three hours sleep, and his face is pale. There is a moment of a silence, and Liam’s about to open his eyes again, when Louis speaks. 

“Lets go eat something yeah? I feel like eating something.”

Liam can hear the boys voices, sounding concerned, but then there’s the sound of multiple footsteps, and he assumes they’ve left. He’s about to fall asleep again when he hears a sad sigh, and “Oh Liam.” It’s barely a whisper, and Liam thinks he wasn’t meant to hear it, not entirely sure if he did. When he opens his eyes Louis’ gone and Liam doesn’t really feel like sleeping anymore.

Liam eventually gets up, swearing quietly when he stretches out his aching legs. He opens the door to the rest of the bus, relieved when no one’s there. He slips out, and grabs the first set of clothes he finds in his bag. When he gets to the small bathroom, he looks to his left and right, before quickly sliding inside.

He leans over the sink, taking a deep breath. His nausea is back and Liam has a feeling it’s not going to pass so easily this time. He looks up at the mirror, and finds himself surprised at his reflection. His eyes looked bruised, they’re so dark, and his skin is pale, even his lips off colour. The skin across his lips is dry and pealing a little, and there’s blood where Liam must have bitten them in his sleep. He looks like a wreck.

Liam splashes water on his face, making himself feel a little better. He sets about cleaning himself up, attempting to make himself look a little less haunted. His eyes still feel tired, the dark bruises still there, but he runs a hand through his hair, and shaves. When he looks in the mirror again, he looks almost normal. He raises his head, takes in a deep breath, and pushes the bathroom door open. He keeps his eyes straight ahead as he walks through the boys, all hanging out of their bunks to chat. He ignores the silence that descends when he passes, and keeps walking, until he’s up at the front. Paul’s sitting at a table, reading a newspaper, and he looks up when Liam sits opposite him. 

“Alright Liam?” Paul smiles, but he can hear the underlying concern in his voice.

Liam forces a smile, and nods. “Yeah, I’m ok. Just a bit tired.” After a moment he adds, “You? 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright.” Paul nods absent mindedly. They both sit for a moment, neither sure of what to say. Paul is like a second father to Liam and the rest of the boys, but Liam doesn’t want to dump all his problems on the man. He already has enough to worry about. Paul reads his paper, and Liam stares out the window, getting comfortable. He’s going to be there for a while.

“Do you know what’s up with Louis? He’s been on edge all morning.” Paul frowns suddenly, looking back up from his paper. “I figured if anyone knew, it would be you.”

Liam shakes his head. “Louis and I aren’t exactly…talking.” Liam doesn’t go into detail, but Paul looks like he understands 

“Ah. I see. And the other boys?” Liam shakes his head, and Paul swears under his breath. Liam probably wasn’t meant to hear it. Paul has a no swearing policy around the boys, even though they’re more than old enough to hear it. He looks at Liam sympathetically. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” Liam nods. “Yeah I’m fine.”

“I didn’t ask if you were fine.” Paul says. “I asked if you were ok. Two different things.”

Liam’s still for a moment, and then he shrugs. Paul nods in understanding.

 

* * *

 

Louis is wondering the halls of the hotel by himself. They’d been told when they arrived not to leave their rooms without security, but Louis’ not the only one who’s disobeyed that rule. The hotel they’re staying in is made for this kind of thing anyway, and has a high enough level security to stop them getting mobbed. Harry, Niall and Zayn are in all Niall and Harry’s room, but Louis wants to be alone for a while. 

He walks aimlessly for a while, finding himself outside the hotel. He wanders around the grounds of the building, inside the gates of course. He’s about to turn back, maybe go hangout with Lou and Lux for a bit or something, when he hears a familiar laugh. He follows it around the corner of the building, hiding behind the wall when he catches sight of Liam and Ashton on the grass. Ashton is running laps around Liam, and Liam calls words of encouragement. He jogs back over to Liam after a moment, running on the spot. “What next?”

Liam pauses for a moment, thinking. “Drop and give me twenty.” He says, in his best army officer voice. Louis feels the corner of his mouth rise a little. 

Ashton giggles, and quickly gets into position. He bends and straightens his arms as Liam counts out loud. He gets to five, when Liam drops to his knees next to him. “That’s horrible. Lean forward more.” He guides Ashton into position, his hands on his waist.  “And down,” He pushes on Ash’s back lightly, and Ashton bend his arms. “And up.” Liam finishes, and Ash pushes himself back up. “Do it with me.” Liam gets into position. 

 

* * *

 

Louis watches as Ashton and Liam work out together, muttering things to each other, causing a few huffed out laughs. Liam’s body is fluid, dipping towards the floor, his shoulders clenching, and pushing himself upwards, his biceps flexing. Louis is transfixed. 

 _“This is ridiculous Lou.” Liam laughs, his breath hitting Louis’ face as he sinks back down towards his boyfriend._

_“I think you’ll find this method is tested and proven to be beneficial to your work out schedule.” Louis says, trying to sound knowledgeable, and Liam snorts._

_“Yeah, sure.”_

_“Be quiet. I’m waiting here.” Louis says cheekily, and Liam rolls his eyes, but smiles as he dips down again. Louis lifts his head to peck Liam’s lips, and he feels him smile as he pulls away, rising back up._

_Louis gets cheekier with his kisses, chasing Liam’s lips with his own, and eventually he wraps his arms around Liam’s neck and pulls him down on top of him. “That’s enough of that.” He quickly presses his lips against Liam’s, feeling his boyfriend’s laugh. Liam wraps his own arms around Louis’s waist, and they lay there for a while, wrapped up in each other. And when Liam whispers “I love you”, Louis has no problem murmuring “I love you more.”_

Louis sighs, as guilt fills him again. He loves Liam with all his heart, and hurting the boy is hurting Louis. He pushes himself away from the wall, and walks away, not looking back. As he walks into the hotel lobby, he sees Luke on his way out. 

Louis keeps his head lowered, his eyes trained on the ground as he passes the other boy. He’s at the elevator when Luke calls his name. He turns around, raising his eyes to Luke’s face. He looks hesitant, and he walks back towards Louis, his voice low. Louis guesses he’s trying to avoid the nosy receptionist, who’s watching them curiously. 

“Have you and Liam talked?” 

Louis raises his eyebrows in surprise. “No. Why?”

Luke’s face is uncertain. “You should talk, try to work this out. I’m sure you’ll be happier if you do.” 

Irritation swirls up inside Louis. _How dare Luke tell him what to do?_ “I’m fine.” He states. Luke opens his mouth, but Louis turns and walks away, pressing the elevator button. He hears Luke sigh, but hears retreating footsteps, and Louis relaxes. He will talk to Liam whenever he wants.

The doors open, and he is relieved to see the elevator is empty. He rides up in silence, and when the doors open he walks a little faster, as if he has a purpose. He’s walking towards Niall and Harry’s room when Calum and Michael step out of Michael and Ashton’s room.

“Louis.” Calum says, and Louis sighs and stops again.

“Yeah?" 

“Have you talked to Liam yet?” Louis rolls his eyes.

 “Why do you care so much?” 

“You guys are our mates, Lou.” Michael says tiredly. “We care about you.”

“Yeah,” Louis snorts. “Right.” He doesn’t wait for their reply and instead continues on his path, quickly entering Harry and Niall’s room. He goes to the window, and can see Luke, Ashton and Liam sitting on the grass. Calum and Michael join them a few moments later. 

“You ok, Lou?” Zayn raises his head from the TV to look at Louis.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” Louis nods. He glances back out the window, before going to sit on the bed with the others. 

Harry threads his fingers into Louis’ hair, absent mindedly carding his hand through it. “Did you talk to Liam?”

Louis rolls over to face him, his irritation only growing. “Why do people keep asking me that? I will talk to Liam when I want to.” The boys are looking at him unconvinced. “He brought this on himself! He was the one who forgot about the band, and our anniversary! He didn’t even want to come out with us after one of our biggest shows. I’ll talk to him when he gets his priorities straight.” Louis knows he looks like a pouting child, his arms crossed, and a grumpy frown on his face, but the boys all nod slowly.

 “I guess.” Niall says.

Louis sighs, lying back against Harry’s legs. “Thank you for sticking by me in this guys. I really appreciate it.”

“You’re our best mate, Lou.” Niall nudges him.

No one mentions that Liam’s supposed to be as well.

 

* * *

 

The boys fall into a pattern. Liam stays with 5 Seconds of Summer, and Louis stays with the rest of One Direction. They don’t acknowledge Liam outside of their shows, and Liam doesn’t try to talk to them. He misses the boys, but he’s alright enough with Luke, Ashton, Michael and Calum. They’re getting closer, and it’s almost like he’s in their band, rather than One Direction. It’s normal now for Liam to stay nights in their rooms, and he spends most of the time on their bus. Louis fuels the boys with harsh words about Liam and grows angrier and more jealous day by day, fueling his own actions. He pushes away the guilt, and focuses on the anger.

They’re into their last few weeks of tour when the bad news breaks. 5 Seconds of Summer have to fly back to Australia for an award show, and it’s unlikely they’ll be able to come back out after. For everyone else, this is fine; they’ll find another opening act, and the show will run exactly as before. But for Liam, this is the worst thing that could possibly happen. Those boys are all he has. There will be no more wasting the days training Ashton, or lying in the sun with Calum and Luke, discussing any and everything, or messing around on a guitar with Michael. No more ‘casual’ hugs when the boys are particularly harsh. No more friends. Liam knows he has Paul and Lou- and if he’s feeling particularly alone, Lux- and all their other crew members, but it’s not the same. He has a couple of days left with the boys, and then he’s alone for weeks.

“It’ll be fine,” Michael promises, when they’re sitting on the floor in another empty parking lot, during another pit stop. “We’ll force the boys to talk to you again. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“I don’t know,” Liam shrugs. “I was a bit of a twat.”

“And they were a lot of a twat.” Calum says firmly. “Difference is, you’re not being unfair and immature.”

 Liam smiles thankfully at the boys. Ashton squeezes his shoulder from his place next to him. “I’m still going to need training. Think of how many Skype conversations we’ll have to have.”

“And somehow you still have to deal with _that_.” Luke says, rolling his eyes, but he has a smile on his face, and it comes across more fond than anything else. 

“Just watch. I’m going to become a great superhero, and while I’m saving the earth, and becoming hugely famous, you’ll just be at home, getting old and wrinkly with your breaking, out of tune guitar.”

“ _Oooh_.” The other boys crack up.

When they’ve all calmed down, they sit quietly, just smiling fondly at each other. Liam is struck by a huge sense of gratefulness, at having been able to meet these boys, and become close to them. He’s still upset, but it’s so much easier when he has these four determined to make him laugh until he’s crying. “Thank you guys.”

He doesn’t explain, but the boys nod. “It’s a pleasure.” Michael says, and Calum wraps an arm around Liam’s shoulders. 

* 

The boys seem determined to make up for having to leave, and wrack their efforts to cheer Liam up to extremes in the days before they go. Liam has a few almost horribly embarrassing moments when he has to run to the toilet before he pees, he’s laughing so hard. Once the boys notice this, they make it their mission to make Liam wet himself in public, and Liam begins to wonder if he’s safer staying in the bus at all times. They hack his twitter, writing about how much he loves 5SOS  and he can’t live without them, and the fans go mad.

But eventually, the day rolls around when they have to leave. They each hug Liam tightly, and murmur encouraging things in his ear. And then they’re hugging the boys, and muttering other things, this time with frowns on their faces, before they’re in a van and speeding away to the airport. The boys stand in quiet for a while, and then the others turn back to the bus, and Liam stays, watching until the van is out of sight. He forces his chin up, and walks back to the bus. The 5SOS bus is gone now, so Liam’s only options are theirs, or the band’s, which is already pretty full. He sits at the table near the front, the vehicle quieter than usual. There’s a notepad and a pen lying on the table, and he pulls out a page, and begins to sketch. It’s just shapes and little pictures, the page littered with thoughts and song lyrics, but Liam thinks it’s a pretty accurate representation of how he feels. He presses so hard, there are large bumps on the other side of the page, and he runs his hand over them, again and again. They’ve been driving for fifteen minutes, and he’s already out of options. Liam hears a loud bark of laughter from the back of the bus, and curls up on the seat. He wraps his arms around himself, and lets one single tear slip.

The boys still don’t talk to Liam. Liam doesn’t acknowledge them, and Louis becomes crueler, harsher. The divide grows, and no one knows how to stop it.

 

* * *

 

Louis’ guilt has disappeared. He’s spent so long blocking it out that he forgets it’s even there. He lets his anger build every day, and uses it to anger the boys as well. He lies, turning the boys against Liam as much as possible, until there is almost contempt in their eyes when their bandmate passes. 

Louis shoots him dirty looks when they make eye contact, and feels a sick sense of triumph when Liam turns away. Still, he doesn’t break up with Liam.

It’s almost as if the past never happened. The boys were never friends, and Liam and Louis never fell in love. Paul doesn’t intervene; he keeps a safe distance when the boys’ fight, but his words to the boys are short and sharp, and tense and tired to Liam. Louis begins to dislike Paul as well. How dare he judge Louis? He doesn’t know what Liam’s done. (Somewhere Louis knows he’s tricked even himself into believing the lies he’s told the boys.)

Liam spends most of his time in his bunk, or on the band’s bus. Louis rarely sees him, and when he does, he looks tired. His face becomes steadily more emotionless, and still they don’t talk. They have nothing to say to each other anymore. The band don’t treat them any differently, and life continues in an almost normal way. The shows are weird; they all act like they’re all friends, laughing and joking 

And then, _that_ show happens. The one that sparks a full scale disaster.

“Thank you New York, you have been amazing!” Liam yells. The crowd screams in reply.

 “We’ve got one last song for you guys, it’s not very well known, so if you don’t sing along, we’ll understand,” Louis says, and then, with a grin, “This is ‘What Makes You Beautiful.” 

There’s a mixture of laughs and screams from the audience, and Louis almost feels happy. The opening chords are heard, and he’s off, running around the stage, singing with the boys and laughing his head off.

Once the song is over, the boys take their bow, and then they’re offstage, and people are handing them towels and water, and clapping them on the back, and praising their performance. Louis’ just about ready to head back to the bus and sleep for a hundred years, when there’s a crash, and then shouts of  “we need a medic!” The boys look at each other for a moment, and then run towards the noise. Liam is being helped onto a sofa, and a man with the word ‘MEDIC’ printed on the back of his shirt is carefully lifting his right leg onto a chair. Paul wraps his arm around Liam’s shoulders as he grits his teeth in pain, a tear escaping the corner of his eye. The medic pokes and prods at Liam’s ankle, and Liam keeps his jaw clenched, remaining silent. Then he rotates his foot slowly, and Liam hisses, screwing his face in pain. The medic stands up, looking at Paul.

“I’m pretty sure it’s just a sprain, but you should take him to get X-rayed, just in case.” Paul nods, and thanks the man. Liam leans back against the sofa, running his hands through his hair, and sighs. Paul disappears to make the necessary phone calls, and as soon as he’s gone, Liam carefully lifts his foot off the chair and attempts to stand up. 

“Oh no you don’t.” Sandy swoops in, and wraps an arm around Liam, stopping him falling. Dan takes his other side, and they effectively carry him out, to the dressing rooms. Louis follows quietly, concern building inside him. Liam doesn’t change out of his stage clothes, just tells the two guys where his stuff is, and they grab it. He tries to help, but they push him back down on to the sofa. Paul arrives and swiftly picks Liam up, carrying him out the door despite his protests.

Louis feels a hand on his shoulder, and looks behind him to see Niall frowning. “You alright Lou?”

Louis pauses for a moment, and then nods. “Fine.” His voice is empty of emotion, and he heads further into the room to collect his own belongings. He knows Niall, Zayn and Harry are sharing looks behind him, so he braces himself for a moment, and then turns and flashes them a smile.

“Everyone ready to go then?” 

He leads the way out, and the others follow without a word. It’s silent as they walk to the busses, no one quite knowing what to say. Liam’s in his bunk when they arrive, some sort of brace on his ankle. He’s on his phone, and refuses to look at them as he speaks.

“I’m fine, honestly. Yes, mum. No. I’m _fine_. I promise. Of course I will. No, mum. I’m ok. Yes mother. No mother. Goodnight.” He sighs, and hangs up, chucking his phone onto the bed. He leans over to close his curtains, and makes eye contact with Louis. Louis quickly flicks his eyes away. He hears a quieter sigh, and then the sound of curtains closing, and when he dares to look over again, Liam’s out of sight, hidden behind the sheets of fabric. Louis says a quick good night to the rest of the boys, climbs into his own bunk, puts in his headphones and lies there until he falls asleep.

The next morning, Louis wakes up early. The clock on his phone says 6:34 and he lies on his back for a moment trying to fall asleep again. However, now he’s awake his brain won’t shut down, and eventually he sits up and stretches, yawning. He opens his curtains, and spins so that his legs dangle off the side of the bunk. Liam’s curtains are open, and Louis looks over the boy. He’s curled up tightly into a ball, his phone clutched in his hand. Below his neck and wrist are hidden from view, and Louis watches as Liam pulls his covers tighter around himself. He feels a little like he is watching a child having a nightmare, the dip between Liam’s eyebrows prominent, and as Louis watches, he lets out a whimper, curling further into himself. Louis hears footsteps and swings himself back into a lying down position at the speed of light. Paul enters a moment later, and goes to Liam’s bunk. He shakes Liam’s shoulder gently. “Liam?” Liam presses his face into his pillow, and Paul chuckles lightly. “Come on. I’ve got to take you to the hospital.”

 Liam groans, and stretches his arms out in front of himself, lightly hitting Harry’s bunk above him. “Alright, I’m up.” He sits up, and Paul squeezes his shoulder.

“Good lad. I’ll come back in ten minutes in case you need any help, ok?”

Liam nods, and Paul helps him down from the bunk, before disappearing up the front of the bus. Liam hops over to his bag, using the wall as support, and digs through it, pulling out some clothes. He half hops, half limps to the bathroom, and disappears inside. Louis pulls his curtains shut, and rolls over to face the wall.

 

* * *

 

The journey to the hospital is quiet, both Liam and Paul still half asleep. When they arrive they are immediately whisked through the basic procedures. Liam supposes he’s probably become a priority, because he’s famous. That and Paul probably made some calls.

The X-ray is simple, Liam turns his leg as he’s asked, and the results come quickly. It is just a sprain after all, and Liam is asked to continue wearing the brace, and he’s given a crutch to walk on. He and Paul are about to leave, when a nurse quickly catches up to them. “Sorry to keep you, but we were wondering if Mr. Payne would come for a quick talk with our psychologist, Dr Taylor.” Paul and Liam exchange confused looks, but Paul nods and the nurse leads them into the psychology ward.

 Dr Taylor is friendly, and tells Liam not worry, it’s just a check up. He says celebrities should be having these all the time, with all the stress and pressure they’re under. It can negatively effect the brain, he tells Liam. Paul waits outside, telling Liam not to worry, he’s sure it’s just procedure of some sort.

Dr Taylor asks Liam basic questions, noting things down about his answers on a clip board as Liam speaks. He asks Liam about relationships, his friends, his family, mainly generic questions, and Liam feels comfortable. He leaves out Louis and the band, but answers the rest truthfully. He keeps his face carefully plain, and tries to read the other man’s face, though he also seems to be hiding his expressions. When they’re done Dr Taylor frowns, and Liam feel anxiety build up in his stomach.

“Is something wrong?” 

Dr Taylor stands, and walks to the door. He and Paul have a short murmured conversation, and Paul enters the room, sitting beside Liam.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but it appears you have a rather worrisome case of depression Mr. Payne.” 

“What?” Liam stares at the man, and Paul grabs his hand on the arm rest. 

“The symptoms are clear; your feeling of disconnection from the world, your lack of care for everyday activities, your loss of interest in things. One of the nurses suspected something was wrong, and referred you to me.” He explains. He sits at his desk, and looks at Liam, sympathy in his eyes. “This is not the end of the world Liam. I’ll prescribe you some antidepressants, they’ll help pick you up. People have got better from much worse cases than yours.” He turns to look at Paul. “He’ll need support and understanding, but he can definitely get better.”

Liam is still stunned, staring at the man sitting at the desk. _Depression._ He supposes it explains a lot. Makes sense too, with everything that’s happening. But…depression. Hearing it out loud feels surreal, and also like Liam’s been hit by a ton of bricks. Paul’s talking to Dr Taylor calmly, but Liam can see the worry in his eyes. Eventually Dr Taylor lets them out, with another apology, and a few encouraging words to Liam.

“I’m going to be having a very unpleasant chat with Louis when we get back.” Paul says, his frown deep.

 “No.” Liam says definitely. “Please don’t tell anyone. I want to deal with this myself.” Paul looks unsure, so Liam adds, “I know what I’m doing, I promise.” 

Paul nods, reluctantly, and Liam lets out a breath. Honestly, he has no idea what he’s going to do, but he needs to make sure that this doesn’t spread. Now that this emptiness inside of him has a name, he needs to deal with it on his own. 

The car ride back is silent, but Paul keeps one hand on Liam’s shoulder, and Liam focuses on the weight of it, keeping him steady. He fights the thoughts trying to swallow him up, and forces himself to keep thinking. Think about things that ground him- his family, his friends back home, movies, anything that stops Liam sinking into himself and never coming back out. His constant sadness seems so much more real now, and it’s everything he can do to keep his composure. When they arrive, neither of them move, both staring straight ahead.

 “What do you want to do?”

Liam thinks for a moment. What _does_ he want to do? He takes a deep breath, and forces himself to think rationally. “I’ll take one bottle of pills, and you take the other. That way if one of us loses them we have another. But don’t let anybody else find them.”

 Paul nods. “What about the boys?”

“They cannot, in any way, find out about this. I’ll deal with them.” Paul squeezes his shoulder, and then leans over and wraps Liam in a hug. The boys are his sons, and Liam knows it’s difficult for him to see one of them in pain. They exit the car together, Paul handing Liam his crutch, and walk over to the bus. Josh and Jon are waiting at the table up at the front, and they look up when they hear Liam and Paul’s footsteps. “So?”

“Just a sprain.” Liam says, and he sees the relief on their faces. “Should be back to normal by the end of the tour.”

Josh is a little more observant, and notices the pill bottle sticking out of Liam’s jacket pocket. “What are those?”

“Painkillers.” Paul lies smoothly, giving Liam’s shoulder a squeeze. “Now you sit down. Can’t have you hobbling around and hurting yourself more.”

 “Yes sir,” Liam salutes, and sits down next to Jon. Paul wonders off, and the two band members turn to Liam. 

“You want to play?” Josh gestures to the card game they’ve got laid out on the table, and Liam nods. He’s calmed down now, and he focuses solely on the game, pushing his morning to the back of his mind. 

* 

Liam knows that Louis is spurring the boys on. He knows first hand that Louis can be very persuasive when he wants, and he’s always lead the group. But he also knows, that Louis needs the boys’ approval to feel ok. So Liam decides to tackle him last. If he can sway the boys, it will help make Louis forgive him. 

He’s about to enter the back of the bus, when he hears his name.

 “I can’t believe he’s hurt Louis like that.” Harry.

“He’s been moping around the place since Liam’s accident.” Zayn says. “He’s obviously not ok.”

“Liam’s starting to piss me off now. He’s making Louis suffer, and he doesn’t even care.” Niall’s voice is a mixture of sadness and danger. 

“Yeah well, he doesn’t exactly care about Louis. Isn’t that how all this started?” 

Liam stumbles away from the door, only just managing to catch himself on his crutch. The boys’ words fly around his head, merging together into a buzz of harsh words. Louis is all they care about.

 _And why would they care about you?_ Liam’s brain asks him. _You’re the one who’s wrong. You’re the one causing them pain. Why should they care about you?_ The thoughts become harsher, building up in his brain, and Liam has no idea what’s happening, or how to stop it. _You’re just pulling them down. You were never talented enough to be part of them anyway. They just pitied you. The poor reject who came back, even though he wasn’t good enough the first time._ Liam is clutching his head, tugging at his hair, the thoughts consuming him. He stumbles against the wall, banging his head as he trips towards the bunks, falling into one, pain is shooting through his leg as he puts pressure on it, and he can’t focus, can’t think. He curls in on himself, holding his head, and pressing his face into his knees. He stays there, and lets the thoughts take over his brain. Eventually they begin to disappear, but their words have been ingrained in Liam’s head. Why _should_ the boys care about him? He’s not worth it.

He lies in the bunk for a moment, his breath coming out in pants as he calms down. He carefully sits up, and twists around, using his crutch to help him up. His ankle still hurts, but the pain helps Liam to focus, and he shuffles to the front of the bus, where he know Louis is, in the small kitchenette. He needs to do this now.

 

* * *

 

As Louis chucks the tea spoon into the sink, he hears footsteps and what sounds like a walking stick? The person stops behind him, and Louis waits for them to speak.

“Louis?” Louis freezes at the sound of Liam’s voice. It sounds tired and sad, and something else Louis can’t place. “Louis please, speak to me.”

Louis doesn’t know what to do. He’s spent so long hating this boy, lying to himself and the others around him, he doesn’t know what to say, whether he _can_ say anything. But on the other hand, he loves this boy, and he hates how broken he sounds. How broken Louis’ made him sound. He battles with himself, trying to form words, but his body resists, the silence engraved in his brain. He doesn’t know how long it’s been silent, but Liam sounds desperate when he says, “Louis, if you love me, speak to me.” Louis drops his eyes. His whole body is telling him not to, he’s trained himself to ignore Liam’s presence. But this has to stop now. Louis knows this. This isn’t healthy, for either of them. He forces himself to turn around.

“Liam…” But there’s no one there. Liam’s gone, and Louis stares at where he had been standing moments ago. _If you love me, speak to me._ Louis didn’t. And now Liam’s gone. _If you love me._

“Lou?” Louis snaps back to reality. Zayn is standing there, looking at him, concern and confusion on his face. “Me, Niall and Haz were thinking of having a Fifa tournament. You in?”

Louis knows he should go after Liam. Knows he should tell Liam that he does love him, that he’s sorry. But he looks at Zayn and says “Yeah, sure.”, grabs his tea, and leaves. He doesn’t see Liam again that night.

 

* * *

 

Liam’s numb. Since it was confirmed that Louis no longer cared about him, that he’d lost the boys’ love, nothing else matters. He’s a robot throughout the shows, and stays in bed whilst they travel. He barely calls his family, just enough to stop them worrying, and tells Paul he’s just tired when he asks. He stops taking his medication regularly, and the darkness begins eating at him and he lets it. People stop trying to talk to him, unable to get past his monosyllabic answers. Liam sometimes has a strong urge to scream. But still, he remains silent. Silent and alone.

He isn’t always terrible. Occasionally, he’ll have an almost normal conversation with Paul, and he still plays with Lux, can still make her giggle by pulling silly faces, but he sees the fear on the others’ faces, and it makes him retreat into himself further, until he almost forgets how to talk. The only contact he has with people is the texts that he occasionally exchanges with the 5SOS boys. But they’re both busy, and they don’t know how bad Liam is, so he only receives a couple a week, and he doesn’t push for more.

Slowly, Liam forgets how to feel at all.

Soon, it’s the end of tour. The boys are all exhausted, mentally and physically, and their last couple of shows are a little less energetic than usual, but the crowds still scream, and the boys are almost happy when they wrap their arms round each other and take their final bow. But then they’re off stage, and Liam immediately pulls away from them, and no one tries to stop him. Liam is about to walk out to the bus- that will drive them to the airport over night- when Paul stops him, a hand on his chest to prevent him from ignoring the man. “Stay. Just for a little while.”

They stare each other out for a moment. Liam knows Paul won’t push it, won’t force him, but he can see the exhaustion and worry in Paul’s eyes. So he nods, and gives Paul a small, tight smile, and Paul relaxes. He squeezes Liam’s shoulder, and it’s a familiar gesture to Liam. People seem to squeeze his shoulder all the time, a sign of understanding or comfort, but it’s stopped meaning anything to Liam. They don’t really care. Why should they? Liam stays, and drinks a beer with Josh and Sandy, and chats with Lou, and even plays with Lux, chasing her around the room. He laughs at jokes, and listens to stories. But it just hurts, more and more, every word, every syllable, every letter, makes his chest tighter. He sees Paul smile at him when he laughs at something Jon says, and Liam needs to get out of there. He waits five minutes, and then tells Lou he’s going to bed, he’s exhausted. She gives him a hug, and he kisses Lux, who’s passed out in her mother’s arms, and heads to the bus. He quickly walks to the bathroom, locking the door behind him, and leans against it. He slides down it, curling into himself, and wrapping his arms around his knees. He leans his head back and takes deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. His heart continues to pound, his brain overloading, and he stands up quickly, stumbling around the tiny bathroom. He trips, slamming his knee into the toilet. The sharp pain shoots up his leg, and he freezes. Slowly his mind clears. His breath comes out in pants, but he’s in control of it again. He leans against the sink, staring at his face in the mirror. He looks paler, tired, but anyone could put that down to the fact that he’s been on tour for months. He doesn’t look too bad, because Lou makes sure he looks presentable before each show. Liam just stares and stares at the wreck he’s become.

Pain helps him clear his mind.

The boys collapse into their beds when they enter the bus, and it’s the first time in a while Paul doesn’t seem surprised or upset to see Liam in bed. The others are in their bunks, and to an outsider it looks like they’re comfortable being round each other. But none of them so much as look at Liam, and eventually he closes his curtains, and puts in his head phones, and plays music so loud the other boys can hear it. No one says anything.

They arrive at the airport the next morning, and none of them talk particularly, all still half asleep as they go through security. There are a few paparazzi around, and they take photos and call questions, but it’s relatively calm. Management tweeted out the wrong time from the band account, so there are no fans about, and none of them bother pretending to be friendly or energetic. Even Paul seems tired and they trudge through the airport in near silence. They all sleep on the plane ride, out as soon as they hit the seats, and when they land in London late that night, they’re groggy and grumpy, and they grab their luggage and get out of the airport as fast as possible.

The car drops them off at their respective homes, and there’s an awkward couple of minutes when Louis and Liam are alone in the back of the car, and they sit in tense silence. But then they’re outside Liam’s apartment, and Paul leans back to hand Liam something. 

“Here, I got you some more painkillers.” Liam takes the bottle, and thanks Paul, before sliding out of the car, dragging his bag after him. They’re going to have to find a new disguise for his pills soon. His ankle’s almost completely better, and he’s been off his crutch for a while. He feels Louis’ eyes on him as he walks towards the building, but doesn’t look back. The car drives away as he reaches the door, and he feels himself relax. Liam hauls his bag up what feels like a million- but is really only seven- flights of stairs, until he reaches his apartment. As soon as he gets inside, he closes the door and slides down it, his bag discarded next to him. He closes his eyes and rests his head against the door. Everything suddenly seems so silent. He’s got so used to the noise of the boys and the crew around him, the chaos of loading and unloading at each venue, that now it feels wrong.

Liam sits like that for a while, just breathing in and out slowly, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. He eventually falls asleep there.

Liam wakes to his phone ringing insistently next to him. Somewhere in the night he’d managed to twist himself so that his head was resting on his bag, and he was curled up on the floor. He pushes himself up, his back aching and his legs stiff. A brief moment of déjà vu crosses his mind. He shakes it away, and grabs his phone, seeing the word ‘Mum’ written across the screen. He picks up, and forces a cheerful voice. 

“Hi mum.”

“Hi love! Did I wake you?”

“No, I’ve been up for a while.” Liam lied. “What’s up?”

“Just calling to check in on you. I know you got back from tour last night. How are you feeling?”

“Alright, just exhausted.”

Their conversation continues like that, and Liam tells his mum as many stories as possible from the beginning of the tour. She’d get suspicious if all his stories contained the 5sos boys and no one else. Eventually his mum has to go, and they say their goodbyes, Liam hanging up. He pushes himself up off the floor then, grabbing his bag, and chucking in on the bed. He changes, not bothering to shower, and settles himself in front of the TV. He barely moves for the next five hours.

Then he goes to bed, and sleeps until the next afternoon.

 

* * *

 

Louis’ day is different. He chucked his bag onto the floor of his room last night, and passed out on his bed. This morning, he wakes up at a 10 am, and lies in bed on Twitter for a bit, before getting up, showering, and making himself breakfast. He unpacks his bag, and makes sure his fridge is stocked. He even cleans his apartment a little. By this point it’s 5pm, and he calls his mum. They have a nice long chat, and Louis even gets a while with each of the girls. It’s good to talk to them again. Louis’ missed them, quick catch up sessions during rehearsal breaks not enough to really talk to them. It’s not until the phone is handed back to his mum that Liam comes up, in a simple “How is he?”

Louis lies smoothly, gives his mother a simple story of the morning of their anniversary (making sure to cover any traces of what happened after), and then changes the subject to the girls’ love lives. He giggles with his mum about embarrassing Lottie, but he can’t quite bring back his earlier mood. When his mum has to start making dinner for the girls, he says his goodbyes, and hangs up, promising to call tomorrow. Louis wonders if he should go to check on his boyfriend. He’s hated seeing Liam struggle on his sprained ankle, unable to run around and have fun during concerts, occasionally limping his way up to the front of the stage. He should check he’s alright now. But Louis reminds himself that Liam’s getting much better, and it would just be awkward and difficult. So he doesn’t. Instead he makes himself dinner, and then goes to bed, the exhaustion beginning to catch up on him.

The next morning, he calls the boys, and asks if they want to hang out. They all agree, as if they haven’t just spent months on end together in a tour bus, and two hours later the four of them are playing Fifa, and eating pizza. None of them mention Liam, but his lack of presence is noticeable. They rarely ever hang out with only one of them missing, and it feels wrong to all of them. But still, they say nothing. Louis says something cruel about Liam, and the boys gladly take it, shoving their guilt away.

They continue like this; Louis reminds them of all the ‘terrible’ things Liam’s done, and the boys bitch for a while, fueling themselves up on anger and hatred, because that’s easy, that’s simple. Not one of them thinks to visit Liam, to check if he’s ok. It’s not until Paul calls Louis a few weeks after they’ve returned from tour, that Louis even thinks about it. 

Louis' phone rings loudly, rudely awakening him. He half heartedly pats around his bed, eyes still closed, until he finds his phone under the blanket, and pulls it out. 

“’Ello?” He croaks, not bothering to check the ID.

“Hi Louis.” Paul’s cheerful voice greets him. “Did I wake you?”

 Louis checks to see if it’s an acceptable time to be asleep, by Paul’s standards. “No, I was just… doing laundry.” 

“Right.” Paul’s voice sounds amused, and unconvinced. “Well, I was just wondering if Liam’s with you? He said you two were alright again, and I couldn’t get through to him on his phone.”

Louis pauses. Liam told Paul they were ok? Why would he do that? Louis supposes Paul would probably worry if he knew they still weren’t talking. Maybe even enough to come and force them together. “You just missed him, he’s gone out for a run. Can I take a message?” Louis face palms. Why would he ask that? It’s not like imaginary Liam is going to return from his imaginary jog, so Louis can give him this message.

Paul sounds uncertain when he speaks. “I just wanted to make sure Liam’s taking his…painkillers, and find out how he’s doing.” There’s a pause, and then, “His ankle, I mean.”

 “Sure.” Louis’ a little confused, but he doesn’t push for answers.

 “Ok…well, bye.”

 “Bye.”

 Louis hangs up, and just lies in bed for a moment, thinking. Liam still had to take his pain medication? Was his ankle still that bad? Louis’ pulled out of his thoughts by his phone pinging. He lifts it up to his face, seeing a new message from Niall. 

 _Received 2:31  
_ _Yo, me and the other two were wondering if you wanted to come on a mini road trip? :P_

_Sent 2:32  
_ _Sure:) Where we going?_

 _Received 2:32  
_ _We were going to drive into the countryside, and find a forest to sleep in._

Louis laughed. Well planned. 

 _Sent 2:33  
_ _Isn’t that illegal haha_

_Received 2:34  
_ _YOLO man. YOLO._

 _Sent 2:34  
_ _Never say that again. Ever._

_Sent 2:34  
_ _But sure._

 _Received 2:35  
_ _Cool :) pack up, we’ll be at yours in 20 minutes :P_

Louis grins, and hauls himself out of bed. He showers and dresses in record time, and pulls a duffle bag out from under his bed. His smile drops a little when he sees the initials L J P printed on the label around the strap, but he shakes his head, and begins to stuff his things into it anyway. He never was one for neat packing. Louis goes into the kitchen, and grabs any foods he can find that will last (and maybe he grabs an excessive amounts of candy, but it’s a road trip/sleepover, come on). Just when he’s zipping his bag up, he hears a car horn. Looking out the window, he sees Harry, Niall and Zayn standing next to Harry’s convertible Mustang. God, Louis thinks, we’re such a band of hipsters.

He shoots them a thumbs up, and swings his bag over his shoulder, pulling his beanie on. He locks up, and runs down the stairs. He gives each of the boys a quick hug, and Zayn helps him slide his bag in with the other three boys’ stuff. He slides into the back of the car with Niall, and they’re off, the sun warming their faces, and a breeze ruffling through their hair. They sing loudly along to the radio, ignoring the occasional screams of fans who notice them. They stop off to lift the roof before they hit the large, more dangerous roads heading towards the country, large trucks speeding past them loudly. They’re all laughing and joking, and it’s with a stitch in his side and tears in his eyes that Louis feels his phone vibrate. He freezes when he sees Liam’s name written across his screen. Niall nudges him, looking at his questioningly.

“Guys, pipe down. It’s Liam.”

Immediately, the car goes quite, and Louis cautiously presses accept. Liam hasn’t called him since the tour. Liam speaks before Louis does.

“Hi, Louis.” There’s a pause, as if Liam is expecting him to do something, hang up probably. After a moment, he speaks again. “Could you put me on speaker?"

“Er, sure.” Louis stutters, and takes his phone away from his ear. He places it on the empty seat, a move Louis belatedly realizes is a little ironic.

“Thanks.” Liam’s voice says to the car. Zayn twists around in the passenger seat to face them, and Louis catches Harry’s confused eyes in the rearview mirror. 

“Hi boys.” No one bothers to ask how Liam knows they’re all there. No one speaks. “This won’t take long, I promise.” His voice sounds insecure, like he’s inconveniencing the boys by wanting to speak to them. Louis doesn’t have to look at his bandmates to feel their guilt. “I just wanted to say good bye. I know you guys don’t really care, but… I guess I thought you deserve one? If I’m honest, I wasn’t even sure you’d pick up. Why should you?” Louis’ not sure if Liam’s talking to them or himself. Maybe a bit of both. He meets Niall’s eyes, both of them filled with guilt and pain. Liam really thinks he’s worthless. Why should you?

“I’m sorry for what I did. I know I hurt you all, and believe me, I never wanted to do that. But you won’t have to deal with me for much longer. I just want to say a few last things. Harry?”

Harry’s eyes widen in confusion and surprise. “Yeah?” His voice is croaky.

“Thank you for being such a good friend. I know we didn’t really see eye to eye in the beginning; you were loud and funny, and I was quiet and awkward. But you always made me feel welcome, and if you hadn’t slapped me round the head and told me to just man up and tell Louis how I felt, we’d probably never have gotten together. Thank you for teaching me to take risks.” Harry’s biting his lip, and Louis can see his eyes are glossy.

“Niall?” 

“I’m here.” Niall sounds nervous and confused.“You were the first in the band to talk to me, and you forced me to talk to the boys, get to know them. It was the best thing anyone’s ever done for me. You always make me laugh when I’m sad or homesick, and you were the one who made me get drunk for the first time. The hangover afterwards was killer, but I’ve never regretted that night. It was one of the best of my life. And even though I know you love to go out and party, you were always the first to volunteer to stay home with me when I didn’t feel like it. So, um, thanks.” Niall seems speechless. 

“Zayn?” 

Zayn’s voice is stronger than the other two’s were. “Yeah mate?”

 Liam laughs humourlessly at the name, as if Zayn had used it ironically. Louis guesses Liam thinks he had. “You’ve always been there for me to talk to. You put up with me pining and whining about Louis, and you never complained once. You gave me a break from the craziness. I always knew I had you to go to.” The use of past tense clearly doesn’t go unnoticed. Zayn’s eyes drop, and he seems ashamed. “You’ve got an incredible voice, and I know you get insecure about it, but it’s truly amazing. Take it from me, I’m in a world famous boyband.” Both boys let out broken little laughs, and Louis thinks Liam might be crying.

 “Louis?”

Louis’ heart jumps in surprise. “Me?”

“Yes, Lou.” It’s so weird to hear Liam’s voice again, let alone his nickname, rolling off his tongue. “I love you so much. I know you don’t feel the same, and I don’t blame you, but I really do.” Louis opens his mouth to say something, anything, but Liam’s talking again, and he forgets to speak. “You’re so lovely and sweet and caring, and it’s a privilege to have been able to call myself your boyfriend. You’re so beautiful, and one day you’re going to make someone very happy. I’m so happy you decided to waste some of that perfection on me. Thank you.”

Louis can’t make his mouth open, can’t force the words he desperately wants to say out. 

“You boys are all incredibly talented, and thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to be a part of that. I know you’re going to go far. Bye boys. Always remember that I loved you. Right up until the end.” Liam’s voice is shaky, and then it’s gone. There’s a few seconds of silence, and then the car erupts. 

“You fucking dickhead, I can’t fucking believe you!” Niall screams at Louis.

“Niall!” Zayn says, “It’s not just his fault.”

“We made Liam quit the band! Fucking hell guys what have we _done?_ ” Harry says, not aimed at anyone.

“I can’t believe we let you lie to us like that Louis! We knew Liam would never do things like you told us, but we still let you brainwash us-" 

“Shut the fuck up Niall, it’s not all Louis’ fault and you know it! All of us made Liam feel like shit! Did you ever think to ask Liam if he was ok? Even the 5SOS boys were better than us, and they didn’t even _have_ to get involved.” 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, what are we going to do? What _can_ we do? Oh my god, _Liam_.”

Throughout all of this, Louis is silent. His brain is running in circles, repeating Liam’s words. There’s something he’s missing.

 _I know you’re going to go far._

_You always made me feel welcome._

_You gave me a break from the craziness._

_Always remember that I loved you._

_Right up until the end._

_The end._

Louis lets out a noise between a sob and a gasp. “Shut up!” He screams. Immediately all heads snap to look at him.

“Oh god fuck, Liam, fuck, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck! Liam, he- Oh shit, fuck.” Louis’ shaking, his hands pulling at his hair. 

Niall grabs his wrists, and pulls them away from his face. “Breathe Louis. Deep breaths. In, and out. In and out. Good.” Louis copies Niall’s exaggerated breathing, slowly breaking out of his almost panic attack. He urgently catches Niall’s eyes. 

“Liam’s not leaving the band. He’s going to kill himself.”

The whole car is frozen for a moment and then. “Oh my god.” Zayn yells.

“Harry, fucking move!” Niall screams. 

Needing no more instruction, Harry stamps his foot on the accelerator, making a wild U turn and speeding back the way they came. Louis is shaking again, and Niall wraps his arms around Louis, trying to keep him calm. The last thing they need is Louis having a full scale panic attack. Zayn is calling Liam, but from the sounds of it he’s turned his phone off. He keeps trying, over and over again. Harry dodges around cars, the sounds of horns beeping loudly as he swerves between lanes.  

Suddenly there’s flashing lights and a siren, and they’re being chased by a police car. Harry swerves to the side of the road and pulls over. “Harry.” Louis says desperately, almost screaming. “Harry what are you doing? Harry you can’t stop!” 

“Trust me Lou.” Harry looks at him for a moment, before sliding out of the car, and walking over to the waiting police officers. Louis grabs for the door, trying to get it open. He’ll run if he has to. He has to get to Liam. Niall holds him tighter, and Louis thrashes and screams. 

“Let me go Niall! I have to get to Liam! Let me go!” 

“Louis, stop!” Zayn wraps a hand around his wrist. “Look.” He forces Louis’ head to look out the window at Harry urgently explaining something to the two officers. After a moment, the officers nod, and both they and Harry jog back to their cars.

“I told them what’s happening. They’re going to follow with the sirens on.” He turns to look at Louis, who’s twisting and clasping his hands compulsively, his eyes manic. “We’ll get there faster Lou. I promise, Liam will be ok.”

Louis’ still shaking, his whole body going out of control, his brain running at a mile a minute. Harry sets off, breaking the speed limit two times over, and the police car follows them, lights and sirens blaring. Cars swerve out of the way, and they’re going faster than they possibly could have gone before. 

“Good idea, Haz,” Zayn says quietly, between his calls to Liam’s phone.

Harry just presses harder on the accelerator.

 

* * *

 

Liam stares at the razor against his wrist, trying to force his hand to move. Just one smooth swipe, and it will be over. Everything will be done. He’s written his letters, one for each person he cares about, even one for each of the boys, despite his earlier phone call. They’re sitting neatly on his bed, ready for whoever finds him first. Liam continues to stare. After a minute, in which he sits completely still, eyes transfixed by the glint of the thing in his hand.

“Fine.” He says, to the air. “If that’s how you want it.” He chucks the razor away _,_ not caring where it lands. He pushes himself up from the floor of the bathroom, and crosses the hall to his bedroom. He digs through a draw until he finds the bottle of antidepressants Paul handed to him all those weeks ago. It’s still half full, Liam having given up on trying to feel long ago. He settles himself down on his bathroom floor, and pours as many pills as he can fit into his hand. He pushes them into his mouth, swallowing them dry. Liam clamps his teeth shut against his gag reflex, pressing his hands to his mouth for good measure. He forces himself to swallow them, his eyes watering and his body harshly trying to reject them, but eventually he gets them down. He doesn’t hesitate, pours another handful and forces them down his throat. He feels the pills take over, losing feeling, first in the tips of his toes and fingers, the numbness slowly creeping up his arms and legs. He slips down, so his back is bent uncomfortably, curved harshly, but he can’t move. He hears sirens and a pounding at his door, his mind foggy and his eyes drooping. There’s a crash, and then there are footsteps pounding around, voices calling his name. They sound familiar, but Liam can’t place them. A set of footsteps are getting closer, and Liam hears a shout from somewhere very close.

A boy kneels down in front of him, and Liam thinks he’s grabbing his shoulders, but he can’t feel anything. His vision’s blurring at the edges, but he focuses in the boys, who’s voice seems very far away, considering he’s very close to him. He shouting something, and Liam focuses on the sound, letting his eyes slip closed.

 “No, no, no Liam, no keep you eyes open, don’t you dare close your fucking eyes, come on Liam, don’t you dare die on me- Zayn, Niall, Harry! Anyone! Help! Come on Liam, stay awake.”

Liam is about to drift away when he feels his mouth being wrenched open, and something very unwelcome forcing itself into his throat. His body lurches forward, his eyes snapping open as his body brings up pill after pill, in some clear substance. It keeps coming and coming, and the boy keeps- what Liam realizes is his _hand-_ pressing into Liam’s throat, forcing everything up and out. There’s another hand hitting roughly against his back, and Liam vaguely notices another pair of legs crouched by his side, a tan hand resting on one of the knees. There’s an Irish accent somewhere speaking urgently, and somewhere a deep voice is yelling a mixture of encouraging things, and prayers, and Liam just keeps pushing the pills out of his system, his throat burning, from his force pushing the pills down, and the boy’s hand, and his entire insides trying to come back up and out of his mouth. Finally he’s coughing, but nothings coming up anymore, and he begins to pant, the exhaustion taking over him. He slowly lets his eyes close, and feels himself slip into darkness.

 

* * *

 

Louis pulls his hand out of Liam’s mouth, reaching to catch him as he slips to his side, but Zayn beats him to it. He pulls Liam up into a sitting position, and Niall helps him, grabbing his legs and carrying him out of the small bathroom. Louis’ about to follow them, but Harry stops him with a hand to his chest. He nods to the discarded pill bottle, the remaining pills spilling out onto the floor. Louis looks at him in confusion, bending to pick it up. He reads the label, and slumps to his knees in shock. Liam was on antidepressants? Liam was _depressed_? He thinks of all the awkward, stunted conversations between Liam and Paul, the dull look in Liam’s eyes, and wonders how he didn’t notice. He wants to punch himself. If he’d just _looked_ , stopped acting like an immature little boy, he would have seen how much pain Liam was in, how broken he’d made him. Harry wraps his arms around him as Louis cries and screams and sobs, his body shaking. He cries for what might be hours or seconds, until he’s exhausted, unable to cry any more. Harry helps him up, Louis stumbling in a daze. He carefully helps him to wash himself off, peeling off his vomit covered clothes and dress in what Louis later realizes are Liam’s clothes. He tugs the clothes tighter around himself, trying to drown himself in Liam’s smell. When he gets downstairs, he sees the ambulance has already gone, and he panics.

“Liam, where’s Liam? Is he ok? What’s happening?” 

Harry shushes his rambling, pulling him into his chest. “They took him to the hospital. We’re going to drive there now.” Louis is already out the door and in Harry’s car before Harry’s even left the lobby. They drive in silence, Louis twisting and picking at the sleeve of Liam’s hoodie, and gnawing at his lip. He thinks he’s in shock, his brain not having fully caught up with the situation yet. Everything is much to calm, to quiet.

When they reach the hospital, one of the police officers from the car is waiting for them. He immediately leads them to a private ward.

“Your friend will be kept here, because of who he is, and how sensitive that makes this case. He’s still in emergency procedures now, but the doctors say you’re welcome to stay here and wait if you like.” The man turns to them as they reach the end of a corridor.

“Thank you,” Harry offers his hand to the man. “We can never repay you for your help.”

 “Actually,” the man says sheepishly. “I was wondering if I could get an autograph? My daughter’s a huge fan.” 

“Of course.” Harry smiles warmly at the man. “We’ll get you some merch as well, as soon as possible.” 

“That’s very kind of you Mr Styles. Thank you.” The man shakes his hand again, and then walks back down the corridor. Harry turns back to Louis, who looks increasingly like a lost child. Liam’s hoodie is to big, the sleeves falling past his finger tips, and he clutches them in his hands, pressed under his chin. His eyes are wide and scared, and he takes in Harry’s fear as well. Harry always was the best at hiding his emotions for other people. He wraps an arm around Louis’ shoulder, and pushes open the door.

Niall and Zayn are huddled together on plastic chairs, gripping at each other’s hands. Their eyes snap up to the two entering boys, and they’re on their feet immediately, wrapping their arms tightly around them. Louis fists his hand into one of the boys’ shirts, and feels someone’s fingers tangle with his other. They hold each other for a while, gripping tightly to whatever they can reach. The only sound is their breathing, deep and steady, soaking up the smell of their boys. There’s a knock at the door, and a moment later a nurse enters. The boys break apart, and she kindly pretends not to notice. 

“We’ve called the people you requested. There’s a hospital phone you may use if you need.”

Zayn smiles at her, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Thank you.” 

“Feel free to call if you need anything.” The nurse smiles kindly, and she leaves the room again.

“Who did you call?” Harry asks as they settle down on the plastic seats, Louis cradled between Harry and Niall. Niall places a gentle hand on his knee, and Harry keeps his arm wrapped around Louis’ shoulder. Zayn has pulled a chair over so that he can sit in front of them, his feet tangled with the other three.

“We asked them to call Paul and Simon. We thought it would be better if we spoke to Liam’s family ourselves.”

Harry nods, and they sit in silence for a moment. Louis notices the sound of a clock ticking somewhere in the background, and wonders how much more ironic it could get. It ticks and ticks and ticks, and they continue to sit in silence. Louis counts five hundred ticks before Niall explodes.

“What’s taking so long?” Niall’s voice seems loud, breaking the quiet that had fallen over them.

“It’s been 20 minutes since we got here, Niall. I’m sure everything is fine.” Zayn squeezes his hand comfortingly.

“Liam’s always fine.” Louis says, his voice hoarse from lack of use. Three pairs of eyes snap to him.

“What?” Harry asks 

“Think about it. Liam’s always fine. He never _tells_ us anything is wrong, we just work it out. He’s always looking after us before himself. ‘Do you want your jacket back Liam?’ ‘Don’t worry, I’m fine.’ ‘Do you want some water Liam?’ ‘I’m fine, you drink it.’ ‘Do you want to sleep a bit Liam?’ ‘Don’t worry, you’re tired. I’m fine.’" 

The silence descends again, the boys thinking over what he’s said.

 They wait and wait and wait. And no news comes. Afternoon becomes evening, and evening becomes night. Zayn smokes his way through an entire pack of cigarettes. Harry paces up and down the room, only sitting still for a few seconds before he’s up and moving again. And Niall holds Louis, lets him curl as tightly as he can into his side, and wraps his arms around him. Louis’ pulled his hood up, and buries his face in his knees, his hands gripping one of Niall’s tightly. None of them speak a word, occasionally meeting eyes, and darting away again. 

Louis’ in a light, disturbed sleep when the door bangs open. He opens his eyes as Paul slams the door shut. He strides over to the boys, who are sitting together again.

“How could you let this happen?” 

Louis stands up, and looks Paul clearly in the eyes. “Why didn’t you tell us Liam was depressed?”

 They stare each other out, and then Louis’ wrapped up tightly in Paul’s arms. Paul hugs him fiercely, one hand holding his head and the other wrapped around his waist as Louis buries his face in his neck.

“He’ll be ok, Lou. Just watch. He’s a fighter, that boy.” 

Louis nods, and wraps his arms around Paul’s neck tighter. 

In the end Paul offers to call Liam’s parents, and the boys agree. Paul will handle this better than they could. And saying it out loud seem too final. Too real. 

Calum calls Niall somewhere around 1 am saying he can’t get through to Liam, and is he ok. Niall leaves the waiting room, and when he returns he looks even wearier than before. He flops back down in his chair, pocketing his phone. “Calum, Michael, Luke and Ashton are getting the earliest possible plane down here. Calum says they should be here by tomorrow night.” 

*

The clock continues to tick and they sit in silence, the waiting room slowly filling up. Lou, Josh, Dan, Sandy and Jon arrive, followed by Ed Sheeran, and James Corden and Nick Grimshaw and Ben Winston, and a surprising amount of crew from the tour; all alerting each other to the situation, the danger their friend is in. 

Louis lets a tear slip down his face, seeing how many people his boyfriend has touched, how many people love him. Phone calls come in from friends all over the world, and everyone is praying for Liam. They sit in almost silence, straight faced, strangers next to each other, comforting each other. Louis makes sure to go around and thank every single one of them. They all have their own lives, their own problems, but right now, they’re all supporting Liam, and Louis finds he’s not the only one brought to tears by the display. And still the outside world remains oblivious.

 Somewhere around 4 am nurses hand out blankets and pillows, and bring in trays of tea and coffee biscuits. Louis hasn’t eaten all day, and he manages to get a few biscuits down himself, before he feels sick again.

At 5:30 am, the nurse from before, whose name they’ve discovered is Lara, comes in. Her eyes are tired but her face is relieved. “Liam will be fine. We managed to flush enough of the pills out of his blood stream. He’s under anesthetic at the moment, but he’ll be fine.”

There’s a relieved sigh throughout the room, and every one is hugging and clapping. Louis feels the arm around his shoulders squeeze, and he looks up to see an exhausted, deflated Zayn looking at him with eyes full of relief. “He’s going to be ok, Lou.” 

“Louis?” Lara speaks, and Louis turns to look at her.

“Could I talk to you outside for a moment?”

Louis nods, and follows her outside.

“Whilst we were operating on Liam, we found some cuts around his hips and thighs. We think they might have been self inflicted.” 

Louis just nods, and Lara squeezes his shoulder. “Thank you.” He says quietly, and Lara just squeezes his shoulder again. Louis reenters the room, and stands with the boys, as people file out. They have to get back to their lives now, to their husbands and children and wives and jobs, but they promise that Liam will be in their thoughts, and the boys promise over and over to let them know how Liam’s doing. 

Eventually it’s just Paul and the boys and Louis huddles himself away in a corner alone, and thinks about what Lara told him. Who knows how long Liam had been inflicting pain on himself. Louis begins to hum ‘Little Things’ to himself, lets it take over his mind and closes his eyes. He imagines a lazy Saturday morning, Liam waking him with kisses peppered on his face, bodies intertwined and cups of tea in their hands. Louis falls asleep to the imaginary whisperings of Liam’s love in his ear.

 *

Louis is woken to the sound of loud voices, which quickly cut out as he stirs. He opens his eyes, squinting against the light, to see four faces staring at him silently. He sits up, rubbing his eyes like a child, and somewhere he thinks with a twisted sense of amusement _that’s just it. I’m nothing but a child without Liam._

 He looks up to see the faces of the new arrivals. The four Australian boys look back at him, and for a moment, nothing moves. Then they all begin speaking at once, their voices in hushed tones, to avoid waking the other four sleeping figures in the room. Louis’ head swarms with the noise, unable to focus. There’s an aching in his body from his uncomfortable sleeping position, and he vaguely wonders if Liam ever felt like this. It’s this too casual thought that surprises him, shocking him back into reality. He weakly holds a hand up, and the four boys immediately quiet down. They move in closer, as if waiting for some sort of speech. Louis doesn’t trust himself to speak, so he lets the silence hang. Finally, Calum speaks.

“What happened, Louis?" 

Louis’ childlike behaviour seems to have continued into his speech as well, and he only manages a few basic sentences. “Liam didn’t tell us anything. We just got a goodbye call. We came home as fast as possible. We got there just in time.”

Luke kneels in front of Louis, and places a hand on his knee. “Is he alright?”

Louis nods tiredly, choosing not to speak unless necessary. He can feel the boys’ relief without looking at them. Ashton kneels down in front of him, taking his hand gently, and holds it.

“Are _you_ ok, Louis?” This is the first time anyone’s asked him this in the past 24 hours, and Louis gives him a fragile smile.

“I will be.” Ashton nods, and Louis thinks Ashton maybe knows what he means. The boy slides into the seat next to him, never letting go of his hand, and rests his head on Louis’ shoulder. Louis vaguely wonders why Ashton is being this kind to him. He knows that Ash and Liam formed a close bond during the tour, maybe even as strong as the one between Liam and the band. Louis would have been blind if he missed everything Ashton did for Liam while the rest of the boys were driving him away. He was always around, always close enough to swoop in at a moment’s notice, and protect Liam from the worst of the blows. He was very likely, along with the other members of his band, the thing that had stopped Liam _… the incident_ happening sooner. Louis squeezes Ashton’s hand.

“Thank you."

Ashton just grips his hand a little tighter, grounding Louis, and begins humming ‘I’d Do Anything’, from Oliver. Louis knows he’s trying to make him smile, and Louis lets a faint curve fall on his lips. 

* 

Louis’ not sure if he fell asleep or not, but he opens his eyes when there’s a nudge at his shoulder. He looks up and meets Ashton’s eyes, which flick over to the other side of the room and back. Louis follows the signal, and looks over to see Lara standing, looking torn. She smiles when she sees Louis is awake, and walks over. 

“I wasn’t sure whether I should wake you all or not. We’ve taken Liam off the sedatives, he should wake up soon.”

 Louis is on his feet immediately, waking the boys and spreading the news. When they’re all standing, they look at each other awkwardly.

Paul steps forward, placing a comforting hand on Louis’ shoulder, a move that Louis realizes is familiar, even though he’s never felt it before. “You boys go in first. We’ll wait out here for a bit, right guys?” 

The 5SOS boys nod, and Mikey gives Louis a soft smile. “We’ll be right out here, yeah?”

 Louis finds himself wondering again how he deserved these people. “Thanks.” 

Lara leads the four boys to Liam’s room, just down a corridor. She pauses when they arrive, her hand resting on the door handle. “I have to warn you,” she turns to them. “He won’t look particularly shocking in this case, but it’s not uncommon for relatives and friends to be disturbed by the way the patient looks after a case like this.”

The boys nod, and Louis feels someone grip his hand. He recognizes the heavily tattooed arm as Zayn’s, and sees that Harry has grabbed Zayn’s other hand, and Niall has Harry’s right wrapped in his left. They will go into this as they always have, and always will: as brothers.

 

* * *

 

Liam is becoming increasingly aware of an annoying beeping, getting louder and louder as he becomes more aware. He feels slightly uncomfortable fabric against his skin, and something rest on his face. _Oh my god. I swear to God if this is like a bad movie and I wake up in hospital, I’m going to scream._  

It occurs to Liam then that there is a shuffling sound, and since he’s not sure he can move yet, he knows someone else is in the room. He slowly opens his eyes, narrowing them against the light. He can see the outlines of three men at the end of his bed, and he realizes there’s a hand wrapped around his. He wants to move his head, to make the people notice him, but his body feels like it being pinned down by an invisible weight, and he can’t move.

“Liam!” A voice gasps and suddenly all eyes are on him. Liam blinks.

 “Oh god, you’re awake.” Louis stumbles away from his side, as if he’s been shocked. The four men just stare at Liam, and he just blinks again. 

Liam feels anger build inside slowly at the concern and worry in the boys’ eyes. Maybe it’s the strength of the emotion, but he manages to force himself into a sitting position. He sees Louis make a move to help, but he glares and Louis backs away again, uncertainty fresh in his eyes. 

“Liam, mate…” Liam’s eyes flick to Zayn’s face, daring the boy to continue. 

“Why did you do it?” Harry asks quietly, and Liam’s eyes flick over to him, shock and rage evident.

His throat is painful and bruised, but he forces the words out. “ _Why did I do it?”_ The scratchy, hoarseness of his voice adds to the venom, and the boys visibly flinch. 

“Ok, that was a stupid question.” Harry tries again, and Liam has to admire his bravery. “We all know the answer to that.” 

“And why, pray tell, did I _‘do it’_?” Liam’s voice is deadly, and the boys look lost for their next move. 

“It’s because of us.” Louis says quietly, so quietly that Liam almost doesn’t hear him. “It’s because of what we did to you, how we treated you.”Liam laughs humourlessly. “Don’t flatter yourselves. I tried to kill myself because I hate myself. I deserve to die.” Niall opens his mouth this time, but Liam cuts him off. “I’m no use to anyone, to this earth. I’m just making life easier for everyone.” 

Louis reaches forward to touch Liam’s arm, and Liam jumps away like he’s been burned. The room is silent, Liam still in his defensive position, Louis’ hand still floating in mid air. “Get out.” Liam growls. No one moves, and Liam repeats himself, yelling the words. Paul appears at the door, motioning for the boys to leave. They hesitate for a moment, and Paul knocks again, a little more insistently. They finally leave, filing out one after the other. Paul enters after them, seating himself next to Liam’s bed.

“You made Louis cry you know.” Paul says casually. Liam shrugs. “And the other boys.” Liam shrugs again.

“The 5SOS boys flew out.” At this, Liam sits up a little straighter.

 “They’re here?”

“Right outside. I tried to make them wait, but they were worried.” Liam lets the ghost of a smile fall on his lips. Of course they came.

“Could you ask them to come in please?” Paul looks a little wary but he nods after a moment, and gets up, opening the door and ushering to a person, before exiting himself. A moment later Luke, Ashton, Mikey and Calum enter, crowding around his bed.

“What the _fuck_ man?” Calum sits on the end of his bed.

Liam shrugs, and Mikey points at him accusingly. “Do not give us that attitude Mr Payne. You just tried to _die,_ Liam." 

Luke takes Liam’s hand, holding it carefully in both of his. “Liam, you don’t understand what hearing that sounds like. What it’s like to panic like that.”

 For the first time, Liam feels a twinge of guilt at his actions. Ashton is the last to say anything, and their eyes meet across the small room. They just watch each other for a moment, before Ash is sighing. “Oh Liam”.

He crosses over to the bed, and curls himself around Liam. The others settle themselves on the bed as well. 

 

* * *

 

Louis watches, feeling Harry’s presence rather than seeing it.

“If we hadn’t done what we did, that would be us.”

 “If we hadn’t done what we did, we wouldn’t be here.” Louis replies. 

They all know it’s true. 

 


End file.
